This ones for you Jamie

Nothing breaks up the monotony of work sometimes than when you get an extraordinarily strange call. So with that said I will relate a call that happened to a co worker of mine last night.

Kind of a busy night, moon is waning, weather is nice and mild. Rode with the windows down for a while.

We get sent out to take a psych or two to the Behavioral Health Institutes (I love that title but I do prefer looney repositories)

Our first sign that something was in the air was brought into focus when we get called to the local Holiday Inn for an intoxicated person. Now let me say that I have been drunk once or twice. You can kind of rate the degrees of severity by the actions that signalled the end of the evening like hugging the throne, waking up half naked in the hallway right before you reach your door, waking up in the shower, or the classic waking up with one foot on the floor because the night before you thought it was a very clever and logical idea that if you put one foot on the floor it would stop the rest of the room from spinning. And yes, it does work.

So we find this guy, sitting in the middle of the parking lot, covered in feces. I won't go into too much detail but I had not been so happy it was my turn to drive this much for a while. So we transport him in, and while my partner did turnover to a nurse who was probably imagining creative ways to torture us at the next group party, I was compelled to ask the guy how he got all the crap on him. I mean I was not even sure if it was his. That being said my opening remark was the bizarro polite thing to say which was

"So um is that YOUR crap on your all over you?" Lets define the situation here man

"Yeah"

"How did you get crap all over you?" Now that the source had been established

"Well I tried to take a crap outside and did not have any toilet paper" A problem many of us have faced even if we do not all admit it

"So you used your shorts?" I had to bring this into perspective here

"Kind of" Kind of does not validate this situation in the least

"And your shoes?" for they were covered as well tops and the bottoms

"WHAT? my shoes? I got crap on my shoes...Dammit!" Does this make sense to anyone?

So he was more worried about the crap on his shes than the 3 foot smear down his back and leg

But wait...thats not the actually bizarre call for the night.

After relating this to my coworkers as walking out to my ambulance, another ambulance pulled in beside us and the medic got out, saw me and handed two handfuls of pill bottles ranging from barbituates to muscle relaxers and ask me to follow him into the ER with is patient, whom I notice is sitting straight up but wiggling and trying to step off the stretcher while still strapped on. She is covered in vomit and making noises the likes of I have only heard on discovery channel. We get her into the room and my friend starts giving turnover to the nurse.

Are you ready for this one?

Her boyfriend had called 911 because she had taken unknown quantities of a myriad of pills and had been acting strange. EMS gets there, fire had gotten there a few moments before only to find this woman in a squatting position on the floor near her couch retching and wiggling around making afore mentioned animal planet noises. The couch was next to her and the arm of the couch was tattered and appeared the dog had been chewing on it. The thing is, the dog had not been chewing on it. Actually I am not sure they even had a dog. The story goes she had been eating the arm of the couch and had managed to consume a respectable amount of the arm of the couch. Now normally when dogs do this they spit the pieces o the floor, but not this woman, she was a champ, she had not been spitting the pieces out but had been actually eating the couch.

"So did she have any cuts on her mouth from the wood and the staples?"

"I aint putting my fingers near her mouth...Bitch ate a couch!"

God I love my job sometimes.

Apparently after we left the ER she began mooing incessantly